I just am not sure what it is but I feel totally uncomfortable. Maybe it is payback, but I hope that we are getting beyond the need for purgatory and more into the realm of Heaven. Let me explain, and maybe in the writing there will be some solution even without burdening you for it.
It is a fear that I have felt often in my life. That sinking feeling that I will be abandoned, left in the dark without a light, suffering, alone, lost. My heart actually begins to beat louder in such distress, as if I am on the edge of a tall cliff just before I dive into the unknown waters below. It is a fear that could bring me to tears if only I hadn’t faced it so many times before; they well up in me only to be suppressed by the anger that has kept me warm on so many cold nights. It is the lone wolf in me, the shadow of fear replaced by the radiant explosion of anger, the loneliness of dread replaced by the voices I have heard way too many times before.
It is the Genesis of the pattern of self-destructive behavior, the ego screaming for it’s binky, it’s blankie, it’s way. It now scares me, and added to the fear of being vulnerable is the fear of vulnerabilities outcome. I would never let it get this far without doing something stupid, something irrevocably dangerous and harmful. This time, I am identifying it, trying to make it disappear in the light of awareness and in this effort I am discovering the root of its existence, the cause of its awakening, the meaning of its reality. Its days are numbered.
But it’s here right now my love, talking to me, telling me that I am going to lose, telling me that it will be more painful to lose if effort is expended, forcing me to hear it while pretending it doesn’t need to be heard. In turn, I cry inside like a baby, begging it to leave me alone, begging it to go back to sleep while pretending I can’t hear it. It is the saboteur of our life together facing me yet again, but this time I feel as if I have someone I can rely on to face it with me, and in that battle I feel it only right that you know what you are facing. You are facing the worst of me in love.
I have never been more in love with another human being more than I am in love with you. Such dependence does not shine normally in my heart. I learned at a very early age that to love is to be vulnerable. I used to call such vulnerability a “weakness”, one that I simply would not have in me. I would sabotage every possibility of such weakness, ensuring that I was alone just long enough to find someone else to practice such strength on. I could never let anyone in on this feeling for to do so was to increase the vulnerability, to ensure the weakness. One could not simply be strong and expose a weakness! No, it was simpler to get such “conquests” to hate me in my strength than to love me in my weakness.
It is obvious to me now that I have never really loved until Megan was born. I never really felt the need to be loved, in fact a part of me relished such loneliness. That changed when I met you. Your tenderness touched a part of me still in infancy, your smile warmed a part of me still left frozen. Your touch made me tingle, my voice made my heart race, your eyes just blew me away like salt in a tornado. This was the very first time I met you, imagine that. A man-boy who refused to love or be loved in such despair after one moment with a soul so much a part of him he couldn’t not get her from his mind. It wasn’t just about your outward appearance, that attraction would come soon enough, it was some thing about you that words cannot describe, the part of you that is me, the Oneness we shared even before our first kiss.
It ended life as I knew it my love. It ended me as I knew me. It took time, just as an infant takes time to grow into puberty, it took time to finally see what it was that was happening. Every time we would meet or work together my mind could not get past the physical manifestation of this new feeling. My heart would speed up, my mind would race, my palms would get sweaty. I would get lost in your eyes for what seemed like hours. I needed to be near you, not in you, but near you. Again the “in” part would come later.
Destiny worked to my advantage. Things fell into place. The miracle of existence became the miracle of fate. I could smile again it seemed…or could I?
I have told you about the first time I noticed you sexually. I can still see you sitting there and the slight movement in my pants as I got a glimpse of the frog. I remember looking at your back, your hair, your arms, your skin. Your lips, your mouth, those rings on your fingers…I am beginning to feel that movement again…where are you when I need you?
Anyway, the turmoil started in me the very first date we went on, right about that time you made the comment about the man crossing the parking lot. The voice began, “what are you doing” was, I believe, the very first question out of my mind. You were just so special to me in my soul and so damn attractive to the rest of me that there was no way in hell this relationship was going to work out. I overlooked it, but it ate at me for weeks. I began to see threats all around me the more I fell in love with you. I fell in love with you during our first introduction, I fell complete after that first date. I was gone the first time our lips touched, I was completely lost as I touched your body. I was, for the first time in my life, vulnerable.
And that created the threats I mentioned. I caused the monster to roar loudly in my mind. I saw your friendliness as a threat – you were flirting in my mind’s eye. I saw your not ending the relationship with Shawn as a threat – were you leading us on to choose between us? Were you fucking him behind my back or vice versa? I was a mess baby, not because of reality, but because of what my mind was telling me reality was. That thing with your fake “cousin” – proof that my mind was right and my soul was wrong. The arguments we had were not really me with you, they were me with me. It was my mind sabotaging what my heart longed for. The battle inside of me was a tremendous war, it tired me beyond fatigue and caused me to morph beyond all identity. You didn’t answer your phone? You were lying. You didn’t tell me where you were? You were cheating. You weren’t with me? You were with someone else. Man, I can still remember those days and I can still feel the utter fatigue of the struggle within me, not to mention the additional struggle it was causing with you.
Yet you stayed and fought me through it. I never really did address the cause, we just fought and forgave (or not) and forgot (or not) and moved on (or not). The beast was still there, only feeling a bit more dominant for the fight. Still, having sex with you was the highlight of my life. I could live for a sexual encounter with you. I still remember vividly some of the great sex you gave me. It’s mind-blowing to me even today. God to get back to that would be completeness in life. Not only are you greatness, you completely take my soul from me when we are intimate. And now to the beginnings of fear I have right now.
No, this is not another “I need wild sex” prose, it is rather a voice in my head speaking to the subject. I can almost hear you telling me someday that this is not mutual. Whether it is your hands in action as mine try to be, or the fact you never make me feel desired or even satisfactory in this aspect of our life together, there is something that tells me that someday in your coldness you will finally tell me that you simply are not satisfied in this way, that you needed more, that I was just not “it” for you. This voice is loud, and I know where it comes from.
I am opening myself up a bit, wanting to show you love and affection in the way I feel it when the wall is down and the door open (this is a cliché fest, I know). I scares me in a big way, as if you will use this vulnerability against me. It keeps me from being fully dependent on you or the relationship. You know how you are scared to do to bed alone after watching a scary movie? That is how I feel emotionally, like the darkened hallway I am about to enter is wrought with threats and doom is certain. It freezes me, causes me to swing at enemies not really there…always with the voices going “or are they there?” I want so desperately to believe they are imaginary, unreal tokens of emotional immaturity even as I swing in air almost waiting to hear the “thump” of weapon meeting reality, the threat realized.
So the fear, what I call the “beast”, doesn’t dwell in the darkened hallway, but rather in that part of me that fights the demons who reside there. Fear prompts feats of great strength and achievement, but in my case it can do just the opposite (and usually does). I am not talking physically, but rather mentally. Fear certainly propels my body into better than average action because I create an anger out of it. What fear does to me mentally is a whole different story. It is almost like I regress into infancy, my mind works to subvert my soul, instilling in me that need to act out before acted upon. It is what drove my fuck-ups in the past with you…the need to feel in control dominated my common sense and soul. If I could create in me the knowledge that I was desired by someone other than the threat, then I was safe. You could steamroll me and I would survive because I was still desired. Stupid shit, I know, but when you walk in unconsciousness all things are possible even stupid things.
Today I feel that fear. I loved last night, sitting on the sofa with you, just feeling you on me. It was emotionally fulfilling to me. I felt great inside. I had you half naked, I could feel your skin, your tits, see you in your beauty as my wife, my life. I could feel the blood rushing to my groin, the racing of my heart, the absolute beauty of love that I had each moment we shared. Beauty is defined as those moments to me babe, no other definition is needed.
Yet in it all was the nagging question created by the beast, “why doesn’t she want me?” You know, no playfulness, no teasing, no seduction. In fact, I tried to rub her, but you hate when I touch you there. I must say you are the first person I have ever known who hates to be touched there. It starts me wondering if you don’t want to be touched there, or if you just don’t want to be touched there by me. I am sure you can see where the question would come from. I am sure if you went to rub my dick and I stopped you, telling you “I don’t like when you rub it” you would question yourself.
I really didn’t care to watch TV to be honest, but I was not giving up that moment because the TV was on. I loved every moment of it, and really only fantasized about you “taking” me once (in this fantasy, you actually just went down on me as we sat there and then took over from there). Other than that one moment, I was just in the moment, loving it all and wishing it didn’t have to end. Other than that one moment it wasn’t sexual, it was love purely without the physical – which made it a bit easier to let you sleep (although not entirely easy).
I am walking in fear today for sure. No, not the kind of “I am an idiot and need to be stupid” fear, just fear. I see threats, everything from you needing to go out more with your friends to who you are walking with on Saturday to your need to look so freaking hot as to kill me each moment I am not inside of you. I see you being pulled from me when I will need you the most. I see some pain, a fear of losing you, a fear of needing you in a way I can’t console. I fear a separation in us that only widens, a gap to large to cross or close. And yes, it scares me…I have much more to lose than you do it seems.
Awareness is the difference this time. I feel it…I can see it almost as an observer, but not quite. I can observe it but I can still feel it, meaning I am not separate from it yet. I long to be, not as a dispassionate observer, but a passionate one. I long to be soothed by you in understanding me and where I am at any given moment. Things like this will only bring us closer I hope, in a way that begs us both to be dependent on one another for needs such as this. It is new territory (for me), unexplored ground from which these feet will carry me. Are you my guide? Are you the outstretched hand that beckons me further when there is nothing left inside? Are you truly that which guides me? I long for the answer, and will give you all that I am in the quest. You remain my love, my soul mate, my reason for searching.
I love you…