Sorry, but you know that I am just not that good at taking orders. Particularly ones I never could obey in the first place. I did hesitate sending this to you, strictly because you seem to think my writing is a ploy to gain favor, attention or some other bullshit. I write because it is the most effective way for me to share my feelings and emotions, I do not write for the approval or the acceptance of anyone else. It is my way of communicating in the best way possible, and you can take it or leave it as such.
And now to the dreaded expansion...
The strong emotional ties summed up in that song matter. Yesterday, I was meditating to music and that song simply stirred up so many emotions that it seemed perfect in describing the feelings I was having at that moment. I am not sure that I was feeling what the song meant to Gordon Lightfoot, but they became something all their own. It is that I wish to expand on (despite your desire not to hear me out, please try).
I feel like a ghost,as if I am non-existent in the real world because I am bound at the ankles by the chains of the past. I am completely imprisoned by a lack of love, a lack of desire, and a lack of "now". I feel as if I have lost you, that we are just existing in this - you in the real world and me as a "ghost in a wishing well", frantically waving my hands to someone who can't see them, who simply wishes to move on beyond me.
You must feel as if you deserve such thoughts, as if I have earned this distinction, as if you simply need not care whether I live or die, smile or cry, reach out or withdraw. I feel as if you see me as no longer your lover, I am your husband, bound to you by a signature and children with little else between us and no hope of their ever being again. I am a "hero" not prepared for the part, who has failed as they often do, who cannot regain the stature or place in your heart necessary to continue the effort for any other reason than continued growth and hope for a better future.
In that essence you have played the movie queen, whose role it was to save me, set me free, make me better regardless of the outcome. In the movies we walk away unscathed, a repentant soul and the woman who unselfishly stood by him to see him become a better man. Somewhere along the line the film got stuck and the light burned through, leaving us with only the sound of the broken film slapping against the projector. It's the reality of life, that where there are emotions and feelings involved there cannot be such easy repentance, if there is any at all. We must suffer the indignities of our actions regardless of where we are as a result of them. Those we hurt do not grow with us, they do not walk the same path as we do, they are in essence frozen in time while we race on by. You see me as I am at the starting line, even as I pass the half way point of the race.
And where we were before the race turned sour, well its the feeling you can't get back. That look of love in your eyes when you used to look at me. The raw power of lust, the indignant demands for more - all gone in the winds of change that seems to have powered us in much different directions.
I often wonder if I were to die how much you would care. In watching that movie last night, I understood my place in this world with you. I believe there would be more tears of happiness than there would be of sadness in you. You would be free, insurance money to pay things off, the word "widowed" rather than "divorced", and you could move on with you life in the time appropriated. You would not have to share with the world how your marriage failed, but rather how your husband died. You could be free all the way around, with only bad memories of me to keep us distant, for otherwise I would be "gone" in just a matter of moments to you. You could find a fairy-tale romance to keep you warm at night, the sound of a love song playing during the closing credits, the evil bastard gone and the knight in shining armor there to replace him.
No, I don't wish to die...I just wonder what effect that time of my existence would have on those I care about the most. And no, I don't blame YOU for how you feel about ME.
As for me, the feeling will never leave. I will always want you sexually, I will always love you deeply in my heart and soul. I will always want to reach for you in the night, and i will always wish the better part of me didn't come at the expense of the better part of you. I do wish I was there more, in your heart, in your soul, a part of every fabric of your being, that I was the drink you thirsted for, the bread you hungered for, and the air you wished to breathe. Ah, the wishing well this ghost will reside in...
Finally, I wish to share my experiences and mistakes with the world, perhaps it is my calling V. No, I don't wish to do so in a way that harms you or my family, but I do wish to see if such an understanding can help someone. Maybe it's why i have lived the life I have lived, and why I have been given this gift. Please don't take my efforts in this regard as anything, you judge me way too harshly. I don't see attention V, if I did it would certainly not be the kind that points out my weakness. That is NOT the attention I would seek to have. Rather, Cliff had it right, I write these thinks to get me aware (although he said "think", I hardly wish to think about it), and to share that awareness with others. I seek no reward from it, nor do I seek any attention - in this you are wrong.
I think, perhaps, we need to know where we are and were we are heading. As I mentioned before, if there is any hope we need to focus on it. If there isn't, we need not focus at all.
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